Valve have returned to the most popular “Shooting people in the head” simulator since CIA Assassination Camp ’63, adding achievements and all sorts of player stats.  Particularly important are the new “lifetime achievements” screen, almost sarcastically accurate for people still complaining about camping.

But what would Counter-Strike be like if they’d been supporting it like Team Fortress 2?

FROM THE DESK OF GABE NEWELL:

When we decided to add our most important inventions of the past decade to Counter-Strike, we ran into a serious problem – the counter terrorists already have hats!  This shattered morale.  Many staff quit, or cried, or committed the final Valve option of “Hati-kiri“, pulling their hat down over their eyes so that they could no longer see and retiring from human existence.  What could possibly replicate the insane dedication displayed by hat-hunters have without accidentally including actual function?

(the remaining notes on the desk appear to be a termination notice, a government announcement that any company not currently producing food or post-dystopian leather gear was to be liquidated, and a crude attempts at fashioning small paper hats from food stamps.)

The world of counter-terrorism was rocked yesterday, even more than a world punctuated exclusively by explosions and/or slaughters every three minutes normally is, when Arctic Avenger terrorist “**DIX**2mch4u” killed an SAS operative engaged in an entirely different police action on a separate server. Counter-Strike players around the world cried “FAG!”, though whether they’d actually noticed the shot or this was simply their standard once-per-second intimation of homosexuality is unknown*.

*The irony of such players claiming to know anything about any kind of sexuality is, conversely, very well known, and hilarious.

“2“, as he will heretofore be referred because simply writing a name like that is an offence against intelligence and letters, was covering the entrances to bomb site B with an AWP. After headshotting the entire CT team, he fired a ninth and final shot which killed an extraordinarily surprised “[XD]Killah!” on an entirely distinct cs_italy server. Killah responded in the rational manner of any counter-strike player, blaming his unexpected death of hax, fags, and AWP whores, all in a single incredibly expletive-dense second.

Fellow players assured Killah that he was a nub and that he should learn to [VERB DELETED] play – though exactly how you’re meant to learn to avoid an one-hit instant-kill zero-warning long-distance weapon with a ten shot clip was not made clear. Leading counterstrikologists have theorized that the Arctic Warfare Police sniper rifle’s insane lethality has finally exceeded the restraints of local physics (instead of the mere idea of game balance it normally violates), and after killing all local targets reached across the matrix of servers to find something else to instantly annihilate.

This result has provoked spirited debate among the pretending-to-kill-each-other-every-day community, unless you define “debate” as something other than “trading insults and misspelled capitalized intimations of maternal sleeping partners.” No clear resolution could be reached, with a clear fifty-fifty split among players. The first party believes that the AWP is for nubs, while the second believes that those killed by said weapon – and in fact everyone other than the wielder – is a nub. At this point talks stalled and everyone was kicked.

Counter-Strikers are among the most competitive creatures ever to exist – Darkseid once crossbred piranhas with Vikings, teleported them into a CS server, and they were crying into their fishy beards with AWP-holes through their gills within a day. But while twitch-reflexes and noscopers dominate de_dust, how do they stack up against unconventional foes?

vs Skiers

Many countries are confused about how to deal with computer gaming – Australia only recently stopped trying to ban them altogether, while the lack of imagination in setting obviously bothers Germany more than most – but Norway’s sending an Olympic skier to a LAN party. It’s not clear what they’re expecting to happen apart from a horrific demonstration of just how few advertising opportunities there are for world champion skiers.

SteelSeries gaming is deploying double Olympic gold medalist Petter Northug in a two-man team with Counter-Strike champion Patrik Lindberg, in what could be the most insane buddy-cop movie of all time. Though at least we’ll get some original one-liners: “That n00b looks piste off!”

vs Strippers

Probably the most famous photos of a LAN party on the internet, enabling delighted (if unoriginal) gaming sites to sneak tits into an article without resorting to cosplay.

The pics were copied more than Elvis, with every half-snarky internet commentator

1. Making the same sad jokes about nerds ignoring women
2. Demonstrating that those players are far smarter than everyone talking about thome.

Those gusy are top Russian teams (Virtus.pro and forZe), they play Counter-Strike servers constantly, and that means they have the internet. They don’t need to embarrass themselves slobbering over cheap Russian slappers in public – unlike every single person trying to mock them. They can see that, and much more than that, any time of the day or night, when they’re not busy playing a national-level match in the coolest lan ever – look at that place, it’s like a Borg Cube of Counter-Striking.

Craning your neck to see past a stripper isn’t just dedication, it was the only dignified response. Because the only photos more embarrassing than being harassed by half-naked women would be ones of you ogling them like a twelve-year-old.

Note: Even when professionally paid to be there they look bored to tears.

vs Porn

See, Counter-Strikers know about online porn. Though some of them don’t know about “display monitors.”

vs Cheats

Counter-Strike servers are plagued by cheat, dual-wastes of both virtual and physical space who believe steering a computer around as it plays the game for you counts as “fun” (as opposed to a vicious parody of the concept of life.) One such scummy super-powered-player was playing in a Chinese internet cafe, using a wallhack to make obstacles in the game transparent.

Some other people saw him, and, well

He survived, proving that karma isn’t an active force in the universe. Of course we can’t recommend brain-stabbing as a method of conflict resolution (we prefer private servers and competent admins), but on the list of people we actually feel sorry for this guy’s somewhere below the “Smashing our hands in drawers for fun” society.

The Counter-Strike fanbase makes Twilight look like an unpopular advertisement for pile cream. Players spend far longer on CS servers than even the moon-iest eyed teen shutin can spend fantasizing about not-vampires, and are almost infinitely more likely to actually make something to show their affection. Because, you know, they can actually operate computers instead of tubs of Ben & Jerry’s. Here we see work from those who took time off from deagling to digitize some CS cinema.

1. GBA Counter Strike

Counter-Strike as played by a Terminator built out of Game Boy parts. And we’re not talking DS, this is an ultra old-school love letter to both retro hardware and software combined and shoved further back in time than either imagined. Obviously the designer had to take some liberties: it’s monochrome, runs about one frame per second, it would be impossible to aim that well on such hardware and – most impossibly of all – the video clearly shows a grenade actually killing some people at the end.

2. Counter-Strike for Kids

A little slow-starting, but stick with this machinima for a fun reinvention of your favorite game. It also disproves claims that gaming makes people less intelligent – anyone who can compile Counter-Strike with water-pistols and the terrorist delivering a “birthday present” to B has a better understanding of parody than Jonathan Swift buying a box set of Monty Python.

3. Televised Championships

Counter-Strike has been elevated to the status of sport by many, with the advantage that years of play aren’t instantly rendered worthless if you happen to turn your hamstring half a degree too far. Whether you agree that cross-map headshots are really athletic endeavors, technology companies have been funding Championships for years – and even televising the results like real-life events. Then the only real question is “Is it fun to watch?”

The answer is hell yes, whether you’re entertained by the amazing play or the even more amazing player facial expressions. The above video features a nail-biting bomb/defuse battle decided by the barest razor of milliseconds, and is well enhanced by commentators who both know what they’re talking about and are able to talk about it. Also: funny faces.

4. The Noob’s Guide

Anyone on any Counter-strike server ever has to read Something Awful writer Psychosis’s excellent guide to the game, an essential explanation of everything you need to know. Or, thanks to Xanatos, you can YouTube it – just skip past the first minute, which suffers the usual fan-video failing of a solid sixty seconds of pointless credits intended to make sure the viewer doesn’t forget the maker’s name (and usually results in the viewer not watching the actual video.)

5. Counter-Strike for Real

Ah, taking Counter-Strike from the server to the real world and uploading it! Such a fun idea, so many many many people try it, and – unfortunately – not one worth actually linking up to. Most remember the main parody points:

• have players drop onto the ground at beginning
• guns suddenly appear with the reloading noise
• remember to swivel your head with the gun in all directions!
• Knife!

Unfortunately, most also include:

• a paralytically slow two minute introduction for a one minute video
• attempting to stretch thirty seconds of ideas into ten minutes plus credits

6. Fragstorm

On the opposite end of the cinematic spectrum is Fragstorm, a tightly tuned Counter-Strike experience. Game montages set to music are usually less entertaining than a day at a sleep-deprived dentist’s, but STVmovies understand that FPS films are for the watcher, not the maker. The result is an adrenaline-soaked four minute film without any wasted time, no stupid in-jokes for the filmmakers, it actually matches its music (which even more amazingly doesn’t suck), and is genuinely entertaining to watch.

Some scenes might be more obviously staged than a production of Hamlet (no-one walks out a door after seeing the three previous people get headshot), but there are still real skills on display – from deagling that would make Riggs squint with envy to no-scoping the likes of which a blind ninja would envy. So you can at least pretend to know what it’s like from that side.

Christmas is coming, and through de_dust, not a creature is stirring, except the Tangos taking bomb site B. CS servers haven’t stopped for ten years, and unless Santa’s sack contains considerably more firepower than previously suspected Christmas won’t even make a dent. Whether you’re in for the action as per usual, or escaping the truly terrifying family dinner with some relaxing machine gun fire, we’ve got a some seasonal server ideas to spruce up your Yuletide battles.

1. Christmas Maps

Map makers have brought the eternal terrorist struggle to every location on Earth, and a few more places besides, so the season is no exception. There are a selection of Yuletide maps for insertion into your rotation – from the single snowy level of cs_xmas to the full server-stuffing selection boxes of these themed mappacks. If you’re uploading more than one new map you’ll want to make sure an admin’s on hand, or that you have mapvote enabled, to avoid any unpopular entries from emptying the server.

2. Santa Skins

Ah, Christmas eve: when an eagerly anticipated visitor sneaks into the most sensitive locations to leave expensive presents behind. And now that terrorist can dress up as Santa! The terrorist skins created by an FPSBanana team lend a jolly feel to insurgent behaviour, although the bright red clothes might hamper their ability to move undetected. This Counter-Strike 1.6 skin is a present for even the oldest-school shooter, beating out even the birthday mod for festive fun.

3. Remember your server

If you’re part of a clan or regularly return to the same server, one of the greatest gifts you can give is help with upkeep. Counter-strike servers aren’t very expensive, but when only one person is picking up the tab for fifty players it can feel a little unfair. Most clan websites contain paypal information for easy access, and if not don’t be shy about offering to help.

4. de_dust snow

A fun diversion while you wait for the turkey to dissolve – you’ve finished eating, but the food coma slows your reactions too much for true CS server play. Counter-Strike 2D is an odd little pastime, but entertaining in the short term – especially to see how your beloved maps look from above. de_dust snow is a seasonal variation on the most famous map in the world, and well worth checking out for a few minutes. 2D de_dust snow

5. The Story Of Scrooge

Dickens in digital form, and proof that anything will happen if you leave the internet turned on long enough. Here we have the Christmas Carol, Counter-Strike style, and there isn’t a Tiny Tim to be seen. Instead we see a Terrorist-terminating Scr00gE who learns the errors of his noob-baiting ways. Truly the real message of Christmas: we should all join to repeatedly shoot each other through the head in brotherhood.

Counter Strike is the ultimate classic – more modern first person shooters may come and go, often twice in one year with almost undetectable differences, but ninety-five thousand people are playing Counter Strike servers right now (and that’s only counting official servers.)  Every moment you spend reading here is instead of dashing for de_dust, which we take as a major compliment,  so to make it worth your while we’re comparing the eternal CS against Modern Warfare 2.   Which should you play, and which will still survive after another decade?

1.  Graphics

We’re starting with a bye: to say Modern Warfare 2 wins on graphics is to say an elephant has a slight advantage in a tug-of-war.  Only a fool would deny that Infinity Ward has polished the graphics to an incredible photo-realism, especially the weapons, each one of which uses more memory for it’s scuffed surface than an entire Doom server did back in the day.

There may be some slight differences

Whether graphics actually matter is another question entirely.  Sure, they’re essential for the XBox-armed frat crowd most companies chase after these days – where a lovingly rendered riot shield is more important than game modes –  but many hardcore CS players still sniff at Source servers – preferring the tighter hitboxes of the 1.6 classic and accepting limited graphics for the sake of sharper play.  It turns out they’re here to for the game instead of pretty pictures.

2.  Servers

Just as Modern Warfare gets the graphics, Counter Strike surges ahead on servers.  In their quest for mass-market domination IW crippled MW2, banning players from even touching their precious server controls.  This means you’re at the mercy of whatever they feel like letting you play.  Which is a little odd considering how you’ve already paid them for the game.

Counter-Strike servers, on the other hand, are more numerous than snowflakes and more varied to boot.  The game itself started as a mod and it’s stayed true to that root ever since: there are an incredible array of server styles, game mods from GunGame 5 to insane sniper/knife fights, and an infinity of extra levels to ensure staleness simply doesn’t happen.  If you like doing what you’re told, go ahead and buy MW2.  If you like actually choosing what to do, Counter-Strike will always be ready.

3.  Equipment and Upgrades

This is a more interesting difference:  MW2 offers a whole host of perks and upgradeable equipment, allowing you to level up over days or weeks of play and bringing those advantages with you wherever you go.  Great fun for the players who’re ahead, but a bit rough on those just starting who have to go up against those with an entire armory on their back.  There’s also the issue of glitches and unbalanced items: the average player is helpless against the “Witch” build, a combination of perks which turns one man into an unstoppable  lightning fast knife-dispenser, and the Javelin glitch allowed people to suicide bomb the opposing team.  This also demonstrated the server attitude of the game: players couldn’t prevent it, and the official servers simply started banning people (because they couldn’t patch their own game fast enough.)

Counter-Strike servers depend on clans and regular players to provide the long term appeal.  There are only a few weapons, and you have to save up for each every time you play.  This is limits the variety but ensures a purely skill-based playing field every time you log on.  On the downside, it just doesn’t have the fist-pumping appeal of achievements which reward long term play.  Which approach appeals to you depends on your style.

4.  Controversy

We’ll end on an equalizer, though the attitudes involved do differ.  Modern Warfare 2 deliberately courted controversy – or as they’d call it, free advertising – with their terrorist-massacre “Airport Level.”  Counter-Strike is also incredibly famous in terms of “deez games brainwash kids!” idiocy, but only by implication with publicity hungry public officials looking past the actual guns criminals were able to buy and on to any games they may have happened to have at any time.

So which should you play?  Both, of course!  They’re great games which offer all kinds of amusement, miracles of modern technology which connect you to like-minded gamers across the globe.  But if you want to know which one you should run a server for, well: Modern Warfare 2 won’t even allow you to, while Counter-Strike servers are actively encouraged and still supported by legions of fans.

Counter-Strike servers are still the single most popular playground for shooting people across the internet, and no matter how many appear it’s always worth adding your own. Want to play privately with friends? Enjoy alternate game modes? Fed up with online assholes and want to upgrade your MP5 with a banhammer? There are thousands of ways to customize your own CS Server, and here we’ll look at a few of the funner options:

1. GunGame5

Customization isn’t just screwing with skins and forcing users to download an infinity of idiotic audio files (PS: add cl_downloadfilter “nosounds” to your config.cfg to avoid that). There are whole other worlds of combat just waiting to be downloaded, conversions of Counter-Strike engineered by avid fans and free to anyone who likes games where you shoot things (that’s you.)

GunGame5 is the latest iteration of an action-packed arcade variant: instead of tactical flanking an buying guns, it’s a straight up slaughterfest where you work your way up through the weapons. Kills raise your rank, and each rank changes your weapon – not always for the better. Low-level pistol players have to swarm upgraded machine-gunners, while moving from the deagle down to the fifty-seven is something of a shock! You can alter the weapons order when you set up the server, and it’s traditional to make the final tier the knife – so the super-number-one killer has to go all commando to score the final point and win the game.

2. AWP Maps

The best thing about private servers is their embodiment of the internet’s “everything is permitted” sentiment (which has gone places than the Brothers Kamazarov could never have imagined). If you’re an anti AWP-activist, you can configure your CS server to stop snipers (or at least limit the number per team). But you can also embrace it as an alternate game mod, adding AWP-adapted maps to the rotation for some serious sniping fun (instead of de_dust-destroying imbalance). One excellent map is awp_island, an open expanse of snipercentric perches and pathways.

Did you spot the enemy?

I did.

The opposite end of the sharpshooting spectrum is represented by maps like awp_lego, an insanely small snipefest where everyone gets a gun and a knife and about two seconds to live.

If you’re just starting on sniper war get used to seeing this.

3. Brand New Classics

You know that other people are fun – it’s why you’re setting up a server – but one of the best things about the Counter-Strike community is how we’re still getting new maps ten years after the original release. You’re not even stuck with Source, with old-school CS 1.6 servers armed with new maps.

de_tuscan is everything you enjoy about the classics in a whole new level, a multiple-path bomb/defuse map for those who can crush all comers on existing maps while asleep. Setting up an extra map is simple – just shove it on the server and you can automatically download it to any connectors. Tip: If you’re planning a clan session, make sure people visit to download early so they don’t slow the server when people are actually playing.

4. The Green Green Grass of Home

For all our fancy fripperies, Counter-Strike servers will always be about the de_dust: the two best maps until someone draws a route to El Dorado. But even that can be invigorated when you’re in control, modifying the map server-side to insert a little freshness. And what could be fresher than grass?

The green green grass of Bombsite A

A tiny tweak to an all-time favorite, just different enough to be fun without enraging the experts who still whine about hitboxes six years later.

Even better is administering a server where others already do all the work. Some servers will take care of all the updates, adjustment and assorted issues for you – leaving you free to decide what you want to do and then do it.