Counter-Strike’s weapons have been set in stone for almost a decade. You’d meet with less rage and hatred if you tried to alter the Mona Lisa, despite how this armory is less balanced and more lethal than an atomic warhead perched on a slingshot. There’s the AWP, the deagle, and a pile of other rubbish to show you can’t afford either of those yet.
Rock Paper Scissors EXTREME!
That’s why we’re looking at other weapons we’d love to see on a CS server. The key is that these aren’t the most lethal weapons possible. Those would make the game less fun, Doom’s BFG requires less skill than appearing on a reality show, and if you really wanted to kill everyone ever you’d just need to bolt an AWP to a sentry gun.
Effective, but boring
These are fun guns! And that’s a brilliant sentence! As long as you’re talking about video games!
5. Grappling Hook
Rope beats Attack Helicopter, rather counter-intuitively
Just Cause 2 taught us that every game should have a grappling hook, and that it’s fun to fight your enemy on an island-sized gas station. A grappling hook would revolutionize Counter-Strike strategies as experienced players rediscovered the best paths through their favorite maps (assuming their hard-wired reflexes don’t short-circuit at shock of taking a different route through cs_italy.)
Great responsibility my Spider-Asshole!
Of course there’d be a bit of tuning to remove exploits, but there already are exploits in CS. And being shot in the head by grappling hooker still saves you the indignity of dying to a “bunny hop.”
4. The Fluorescent Decoy
An ancient idea saved for single-player by sensible programmers, but recently resurrected by Halo 3, the decoy hologram has always annoyed multiplayers. It’s always either obviously fake, and therefore useless, or not, in which case it’s incredibly annoying because there’s no way to use skill to tell. But they could do great things on CS servers: add decoy holograms which run and register as real characters but have incredibly obvious signs that they’re fake. Make them wireframes, or glow bright red, or carry huge signs saying “I’m fake and anyone shooting at me is using an aimbot.”
Anyone shooting the obvious fake is instantly booted from the server – think of it as an online anti-cheat Corbomite maneuver. This would only catch the most obvious cheats (where the computer does all the firing, as opposed to other scumbags who use systems where the computer aims but the person shoots), but anything which boots even a single scumbag cheat is worth it.
THIS, like the man said, IS A KNIFE!
In a game with guns that can kill you from clear across the map, the knife isn’t just badass – it’s heroic. Being brave enough to bring a knife to a gun-fight, Italian style, already gives you a speed boost on CS servers. But kills should give you even more! The Eyelander’s speed and health boost are a perfect model. Getting knife kills should make you a better person, or at least give you a cash bonus, because you are a better person than the guy whose spine you just stabbed.
Or at least, you are now. What with him being humiliatedly dead and all.
2. Holy Bolter
The deagle is the most lethal thing you can hold in one hand without being Galactus. It’s the king of all pistols. If you’re going to have an instant-killing gun anyway (assuming you can headshot) it may as well look the part. Which is why we want this incredible Holy Bolter model from Crysis imported across.
The best bit? That gun’s user is gigantic genetically-engineered power-armored warrrior, a warrior from beyond the stars, and true to the spirit of deagle he can still be dropped in one headshot.
Helmets are for wimps. Or survivors. Whatever you call those pansies!
1. Split Portal Gun
Of course people want the Portal gun in everything, because it’s the most incredible weapon every made (and it’s already appeared in Half Life 2 for people who want to shoot their enemies through tears in reality), but we don’t want the full model. That would be the worst thing to happen to a CS server outside of AI hostages. Instead, split it into two of the one-sided portal launchers from early in the game, and give them to different team members – just as the bomb is assigned to one player each round. This forces team-work, and a well co-ordinated team can pull off incredible approaches and surprise attacks, while beginners would die even quicker than before. The special forces call doorways “coffins” for a reason, and if your strategy is creating a glowing target circle then running straight through it then you’ve just reversed the meaning of “strategy.”
With the new routes through de_dust (a priceless joy and the automatic VIP aspect of how the portal-wielders become higher-value targets than TF2 medics who are also the heads of a foreign governments, it would be a whole new game.
The best bit? It’s bound to happen. It’s incredibly obvious that Half Life Episode 3 will feature the portal gun and more, and then it’ll be mere moments before someone unlocks it all for a Counter-Strike Source server.