Counter-Strikers are among the most competitive creatures ever to exist – Darkseid once crossbred piranhas with Vikings, teleported them into a CS server, and they were crying into their fishy beards with AWP-holes through their gills within a day. But while twitch-reflexes and noscopers dominate de_dust, how do they stack up against unconventional foes?

vs Skiers

Many countries are confused about how to deal with computer gaming – Australia only recently stopped trying to ban them altogether, while the lack of imagination in setting obviously bothers Germany more than most – but Norway’s sending an Olympic skier to a LAN party. It’s not clear what they’re expecting to happen apart from a horrific demonstration of just how few advertising opportunities there are for world champion skiers.

SteelSeries gaming is deploying double Olympic gold medalist Petter Northug in a two-man team with Counter-Strike champion Patrik Lindberg, in what could be the most insane buddy-cop movie of all time. Though at least we’ll get some original one-liners: “That n00b looks piste off!”

vs Strippers

Probably the most famous photos of a LAN party on the internet, enabling delighted (if unoriginal) gaming sites to sneak tits into an article without resorting to cosplay.

The pics were copied more than Elvis, with every half-snarky internet commentator

1. Making the same sad jokes about nerds ignoring women
2. Demonstrating that those players are far smarter than everyone talking about thome.

Those gusy are top Russian teams (Virtus.pro and forZe), they play Counter-Strike servers constantly, and that means they have the internet. They don’t need to embarrass themselves slobbering over cheap Russian slappers in public – unlike every single person trying to mock them. They can see that, and much more than that, any time of the day or night, when they’re not busy playing a national-level match in the coolest lan ever – look at that place, it’s like a Borg Cube of Counter-Striking.

Craning your neck to see past a stripper isn’t just dedication, it was the only dignified response. Because the only photos more embarrassing than being harassed by half-naked women would be ones of you ogling them like a twelve-year-old.

Note: Even when professionally paid to be there they look bored to tears.

vs Porn

See, Counter-Strikers know about online porn. Though some of them don’t know about “display monitors.”

vs Cheats

Counter-Strike servers are plagued by cheat, dual-wastes of both virtual and physical space who believe steering a computer around as it plays the game for you counts as “fun” (as opposed to a vicious parody of the concept of life.) One such scummy super-powered-player was playing in a Chinese internet cafe, using a wallhack to make obstacles in the game transparent.

Some other people saw him, and, well

He survived, proving that karma isn’t an active force in the universe. Of course we can’t recommend brain-stabbing as a method of conflict resolution (we prefer private servers and competent admins), but on the list of people we actually feel sorry for this guy’s somewhere below the “Smashing our hands in drawers for fun” society.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 29th, 2010 at 7:21 am and is filed under Counter-Strike, Counter-Strike Source, CSPromod. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.